'ICIER' explores 3 different voice notes at a time of extensive mental health between 2017-2020.

 

Initially, these voice recordings were done when I was learning how to fit words to a beat. At the time my voice was slurred due to a seizure in 2017. The voice notes were full of vocal pain and cries for help. Suicidal ideation consumed my mind, whilst under a constantly changing cocktail of prescribed medication alongside recreational drugs to cope with my mental health, and abnormality in the centre of the brain.

 

Part 1 explores when I passed out in the pitch black woods and awoke to complete darkness. This dangerous experience reminded me to find a way out or I could literally end up dead. It also explores the ever-growing isolation, as a result of sedative medication, I was sleeping all day so I couldn’t socialise with anyone. This was during the time of the covid pandemic, and I was trying to seek therapy but they declined it due to being on drugs. This made me feel on my own in terms of recovery. 

 

This extreme loneliness alongside support rejection lead me to suicidal ideation and contemplating self harm. I started to self- harm again, and was always in my own head with no one to lean on in terms of support. The depression is reflected extensively in the song to the point I am talking from the past tense as if I am already dead.

 

Part 2 is the acceptance of having a really degrading addiction as well as neurological issues, which was hindering everything I do in life. I wasn't leaving the house for months to the point I just had to face reality and get sober, so I could focus on what was important in life.

 

I lost everything. My job, uni, family, friends, myself. All I had left holding me together was music. So at the time it was either put my all into music, or kill myself. There wasn’t any other option I could see ahead of me. I would either die from overdose/suicide, or fix up and make music for others struggling with similar situations.

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